Do we really want to be optimally-functioning human beings, like well-oiled machines (and why that won’t satisfy your soul)?
The Tin Man from the Wizard of Oz searching for his heart (or soul…)
In October of last year, a range of persisting symptoms - constant fatigue, moodiness bordering on depression and a general lack of zest for life - made me seek out a naturopath friend of mine for help. She encouraged me to get some bloods and other tests done and when the results came back, the picture became clearer. Amongst other things, my iron levels had tanked which had thrown my hormonal balance off course completely.
It very much explained why I was feeling all that I was feeling, or in fact, why I wasn’t feeling much at all.
A huge sense of relief set in which was followed by a new eating plan and complimentary supplementation to get me back on track.
At first, I didn’t feel the effects of the new regime but gradually and with continuous commitment, I could sense the tide shifting. After 6 months of eating better (and more, for once!) I finally felt strong enough to start exercising again.
I began to attend strength training sessions three times a week and felt my body reach new levels of robustness, capacity and resilience.
For the first time since giving birth to my son (but really, for the first time ever) I was functioning at optimum levels - eating the right foods to support my metabolism, getting enough sleep at night as well as spending regular time in nature. Blood sugar levels stabilised, I found myself not having cravings anymore but instead and finally, a f*cking appetite for life!
Day after day, I started to feel consistently good about myself and life. Like a steady ship cruising in calm waters under a blue sunny sky, able to hold my own no matter what life was throwing at me.
But here’s the surprising thing and if I am being totally honest with you.
There was also a subtle flatness to it all.
And maybe that’s because my body and specifically my nervous system, having been in a state of survival for so long, didn’t know what to make of this newfound felt sense of peace. Perhaps it was just a foreign state of mind and being that I needed to get used to.
I noticed however that when engaging with my son - my greatest and purest mirror in life - there was still a hint of discontentment in me, like a niggling voice saying “this is not IT.”
I didn’t know what to make of it all.
It wasn’t until I made a trip abroad a month ago, obliging me to step out of my optimal exercise and food routine, that I could take a step back to reassess from a different POV.
The order I had created in the months prior was coming apart once again, but this time with more awareness.
I observed myself in this space, noticing the feelings and thought patterns that would arise when I wasn’t following my usual schedule.
My brain began filling up with thoughts that wouldn’t go anywhere. The regular build-up of tension that I would normally release at the gym wasn’t available to me now and I could feel the energy piling up in my body.
By the time I got back home again, my mind was overflowing. A solo hike the morning after my return proved helpful in untangling some of the cobwebs in my mind.
However and to my own bewilderment, I somehow felt like I was creatively bursting at the seams. Pregnant with so many ideas and countless possibilities waiting to be made manifest into reality.
Below the surface, I could feel the surge of life force returning to me. A sense of aliveness mixed with confusion while that flatness slowly subsided.
Eh? What’s this?
It’s 3am as I write the first draft of this text and all I can think of is the creative life force that exists within all of us.
It’s the kind of power that doesn’t let us sleep at night.
It’s the kind of energy that produces a child in a woman’s womb, a great orgasm or….a creative project.
When that energy becomes too much, too overpowering, we tend to pop to the gym to let off some steam or opt for casual sex to dissipate some of the charge.
It’s big big energy (cue: Mariah Carey) that is hard to contain and impossible to control.
But I also believe it’s how soul speaks to us - with relentless intensity and clear intention.
And while I think she speaks to us all the time, the state of the world means her voice gets drowned out more often than not - by our own distraction, the overload of information, desensitisation and the general noise of our lives.
Before I left for my travels, I hosted a conversation evening at my home on the importance and meaning of collapse moments in our lives and when viewed from the soul’s perspective.
My friend and doctorate in archetypal psychology brought this quote by James Hillman to our gathering:
“When everything collapses, soul appears.”
Since that evening, and as someone who has always obsessed about living a soul-filled life - as if it were the air I breathed - it made me think about what a life closer to soul looks like.
Do we really need to collapse for soul to appear?
If we tune in often enough, I don’t think we do.
If we stay in touch with our pain, I don’t think it’s necessary.
If we refrain from living only optimal lives that are rooted in control (to a lesser or greater degree), soul can stay closer than we think.
If we nurture the small collapses, breakdowns and little deaths we experience all the time, the soul has soil to grow from.
Meaning….that by no means is a strong and functioning body a bad thing. But if it serves as another distraction that keeps us away from our soul, then its maintenance is futile.
And it is my deep belief and conviction that, more than anything else, the times we are living in are asking us to live first and foremost, from our souls.
This broken world of ours can only be mended back together by our soul’s purpose rather than our ego’s agenda.
I wonder, how and where is soul manifesting in your life right now and how you can you grow that space?
With love and reverence for your soul’s work,
Christiana ❤️